Not Today

Simon did so good this month. But then today I got so frustrated. I try so hard to get Simon exposed to other children, to try to get him to play, hoping for those glimmers where he interacts and takes an interest in his peers.

On Wednesdays, after school, we duck into the gym and the two other boys run around. Today I had to admit defeat that the idea of ducking into the gym for 5 minutes just won't work. He can't just "duck into" a place he likes and then leave after a couple minutes, then quickly throw on his coat and go to the car.

Today there was the frustration and dragging and me yelling at Simon in frustration once we got into the car, then Simon crying, then him getting the giggles on the way home while I remained frustrated.

It's just this moment, this mom I don't know well with the child in the gym. I try not to talk about Simon's problems to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I try to pass Simon off as normal for as long as I can. But there alway comes a time where I have to explain that we can't do what they can do. From now on, they have to go ahead without me. I'll meet them outside, meet them at the next place, see them Friday, etc., but we can't go along with the group. We can't follow their pace.

Not today.

Bowling, Disneyland and Sigmund Freud

So a lot of new stuff since I last wrote. I wanted to write earlier about going to Disney World. We had a great time, Simon did great.

I definately do a lot of challenging things with Simon, and he's really good about going out and experiencing new things. When I was a single mom, I would get restless and Simon and I would go out, sometimes at 8 at night. Go to a coffee shop or bookstore. Just to get some air. I remember once I asked Simon what he wanted to do. He didn't talk much back then, he was maybe 3, but he said "ride in the car". It was maybe 10 at night, but we just hopped in the car and went up and down Lake Shore Drive.

So when we're all together now, the three of us as a family, Simon is generally good with everything. We're all so happy to be together, and Dan holds one hand, I hold the other and Simon just walks on air. This holiday break Dan's had from school has been great for Simon. We're really been able to work on Simon for many hours a day. I'll make dinner and Dan will play with him, and Dan will do the dishes and I'll play with Simon. Really not a lot of downtime. He gets breaks, and we give him some time to pretend he's a robot in a printer, but not for too much more than 20 minutes at a time, less than a handful of times a day. And more often than not, he pops out of his room after a few minutes, tired of the printer.

But we started slow at Disney World, and two days would have been plenty. We also committed by the second day that we wouldn't feel like we had to get the most out of our money by making it too long a day. If we only stayed a few hours, so be it. But again, Simon was really good. He got the idea that you have to wait in line to go on a ride.

At first he completely melted down and I think Dan had a moment where he thought the trip would be a wash, but I knew Simon just needed time.

The trip really make us schedule and calendar addicts. We flew into Atlanta to see Dan's folks for a couple days, then drove to Disney World. We kept telling Simon that we were flying on an airplane and going to Disney World. So I didn't want him to have a heart attack when we got off the plane and just went to a big house. So I made these elaborate calendars counting down to the trip, but pictures of his friends for playdates and school and the like, and then an airplane and pictures of his new gramma and grandpa. Then a car. Then the castle of the magic kingdom. Whenever Simon had a minute, he'd say, "let's look at our calendar".

It's a great communication tool. He pointed to a blank square of the calendar after the trip and in a panic cried "Put a picture there!"

"We go home. On that day we go home. Go to our house with the remote control fans. We see Gramma. You go to school. Everything goes back to normal."

He calmed down immediately.

Now we have monthly calendars and update it all the time.

Today we went bowling. At moments, Simon was more interested in the machine that brings the bowling balls back to you than the game itself. He's also still totally lost on the concept that it's a game. Like he's good at Candy Land. He takes his turn, he moves to the right square, but he doesn't get that if you get to the top first, you win.

In the end, I feel like Simon had a great month. I feel like he's living a good life. Having a father and a real family is doing us all a world of good. I still believe that beyond therapies, there is a psychological element. Does he feel safe? How do you balance sensory issues with feeling like you're in a safe place, with people who love and trust you, for the purpose of having fun. I think if we stay on this joyus track, this loving track, we'll come out alright. If the great fear is that he won't be able to love and connect to people, then love, somehow, some way, has got to be a part of the answer.

k